I’m finally back from my three month hiatus and since I’ve been doing quite a bit of reflecting lately, it’s about time I stop neglecting this space of mine and begin digitally jotting down some content and inner thoughts that are needed to be properly processed and filtered.

As 2016 is drawing to a close, I would like to just drop a reminder here about how proud I am of myself for achieving thus far. It definitely hasn’t been an easy journey this year, breaking boundaries and branching out into the dreaded, or so they call it ‘terrors’ of the studying plus working world; going through the dreaded pitch season and long working hours were dreadful but I was surrounded by incredible people – I enjoyed every bit of it and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. To add on, I would say that I have grown quite a ton as a person this year (please let me know personally if you think otherwise and how I can improve, that would really mean a lot) and I guess here’s a pea size snippet of my year and things that have been brewing recently. 

I have experienced love once again this year. Just for the record, my last relationship ended back in late 2013 and I had spent two years of self care building emotional stability to know that this time, I am in a much better position to be able to love freely again. Something that I took back from my past relationship is the lack of maturity both parties had in the progression of being in a relationship, which lead to the consequences of it; how manipulative he was and how drastically abusive it became. With this being said, it made me ponder about how two mature individuals would be when they fall in love. In fact, I actually believe that a mature person doesn’t fall in love, he rises in love. The word ‘fall’ doesn’t seem right. Only immature people fall; they stumble and fall down in love. Somehow they are able to manage and stand through their relationship to keep the engine going; It is unsustainable – they don’t have a backbone, the spine; they don’t have that integrity to stand alone.

I believe that a mature person has the integrity to be alone. And when a mature person gives love, he gives without any strings attached to it: he simply gives. He feels grateful that you have accepted his love, and not vice versa. He does not expect you to be thankful for it – no, not at all, he does not even need you to be thankful for it. But instead, he feels thankful that you have accepted his love. When two mature individuals are in love, one of the greatest paradoxes of life happens, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together and yet tremendously alone; they compliment each other so much that they are almost one. But their oneness does not destroy their individuality. In fact, it enhances it: they become more distinct in their own special way.

It’s beautiful when two mature individuals in love help each other to be free. There are no politics involved, no diplomacy, no effort to dominate. I mean, how can you dominate the person you love? Just think about it. Domination is a form of hatred, anger, enmity. How could anyone think about dominating a person you love? I’m positively certain that you would love to see someone you love totally free, independent; you will give him more individuality. That’s why I call it the greatest paradox: their individualities are not effaced – they have become more enhanced. The other has enriched them as far as their freedom is concerned.

When immature people fall in love, they destroy each other’s freedom, create a bondage, make a prison. Mature people in love help each other to be free; they help each other to destroy barriers and walls that are in their path. More importantly, they help each other grow and bring out the best in each other. When love flows with freedom, there is beauty. When love flows with dependence, it reveals ugliness. This allows the relationship to blossom in the most imperfectly perfect way, and that’s something that I would love to aim to achieve in 2017 – to be mature in love, and to grow in love.


Three Things To Change

My high sensitivity — people disappoint me too often and I let external factors and sensations overwhelm me way too easily.

My cynical perspective and skepticism — sometimes I wish I can trust people more easily so I can actually forge solid relationships but I can’t tried.

My contemplative nature —  sadness doesn’t really bother me as much as it used to so I’m always kind of quiet and melancholic by nature and I think I give people anxiety because they always think there’s something wrong with me or I’m sad but thats just me by default lol.


Lets Talk

Lets talk about how hard it is to open up to someone about being sad for no reason. Lets talk about how hard it is to explain to your friends and family that you have this heavy feeling in your chest for no reason. Lets talk about how hard it is to understand why you’re having a panic attack while just taking a walk back home. Lets talk about how hard it is to understand yourself and how scary it is to feel like the whole world is falling on your shoulders and you have no idea why.




Internalising Vs Vocalising

A big difference I’ve noticed between myself and my parents (and i think it’s definitely a generational thing in general) is like when we’re at a public place and something goes wrong, I’ll keep my frustration internalised while my parents always vocalise it. For instance, I was recently at the one of the mall’s information counter with my mom and we weren’t able to redeem a voucher for whatever reason and my mom starts going off like “what is wrong with their management they need to make it more clearer so my time will not be wasted having to do stupid things like this” etc etc and I’m just standing there thinking to myself like it’s honestly not that serious do you really have to comment on it can you just let it go come on there are better things to talk about.


Psychological Child Abuse

One thing that really gets me about today’s society is how emotional/psychological child abuse is normalised and even celebrated.

I’ve noticed a phenomenon of parents getting together and talking about how they’re such a Mean Mom or Mean Dad and how they’re raising their children to be respectful. They talk about destroying their children’s possessions, isolating them, humiliating them, and/or publicly shaming them.

And when these people hear about, say for an example, a parent smashing a kid’s phone for not cleaning their room or burning their possessions or filming a punishment or embarrassing moment and putting it up on social media, they commend the parents for “teaching the kids a lesson”.

Why do we as a society, think this is simply okay???????

It doesn’t teach kids valuable life lessons, it teaches them to be scared of repercussions. It’s bullying and child abuse and for some reason, people think that’s commendable.

Whenever I hear people saying “haha I bet that 14 year old learned a lesson”, it instantly makes me suspicious of them. I will instantly think of you as either a potential child abuser or a child abuse enabler.

As a survivor of psychological abuse (unconsciously), people dismissing this behaviour as “harmless life lessons” makes me wonder if it really was abuse. If I deserved it. If I really deserved to have my pet’s life threatened because I was a liar.

It’s not cute. It’s not “good parenting”. It’s intimidating, shaming, and traumatising your child into compliance and that is not something to be proud of.


Ways To Start Feeling Again

1. Sit in the sun without anything to do, feel the heat of the rays hit your skin, realise that this sunlight has travelled a very long way to reach you.

2. Walk around barefoot and try to feel as much of the ground under your feet as you can, notice every rock and blade of grass.

3. Sit quietly for a while and notice the touch of breath in your nostrils, feel how the air gets cooler as you inhale and warmer as you exhale.

4. Drive around aimlessly and blast some of your favourite songs, scream/sing along to them and feel the vibrations of your favourite lyrics as they change the air in your throat and around you, feel that the music is healing you from the inside out.

5. Stay away from alcohol or drugs for a few days, try to be as aware and present as you can in every moment, stop trying to numb or dull your senses.

6. Eat a few meals without any distractions, notice every bite and taste every flavour that covers your tongue, be grateful for it all.

7. Look up at the stars and the moon, understand how small we all are and how immense the universe is, realise what a miracle everything is, let your heart swell with amazement and admiration for life itself.